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The average distance of a male ejaculate is believed to only be about 7 to 10 inches, though many men in internet videos have shown off their skills to the tune of five- and six -foot long shots - dubious as there’s no measuring stick in sight. As I’ve previously written, men simply can’t cum that far. The science, of course, would seem to call bullshit, too. So why does the entire internet seem to believe that he launched his load nearly two stories away? Other than that, there are no real videos of Schultz competing in what could only be termed a most “gripping” contest. No photos of him exist, though one YouTube video about his distance feat, which has nearly 230,000 views from now woefully ill-informed people, gives the impression he posed for one while donning a Sperm Man superhero costume. That’s because the Schultz records are completely unsubstantiated. Apparently, the latter load defied gravity for 12 feet, 4 inches before falling back to earth - probably not onto the faces of any sky-peering spectators, because there almost certainly were none. This same “substantial” glob of seminal fluid purportedly set the all-time record for the fastest ejaculate at 42.7 miles per hour, while others have written that Schultz is the world-record holder for the highest-reaching jet of ejaculate as well. But only one of them, an apparent American, is said to have compelled his cum to travel 18 feet, 9 inches. There have been and remain many men on Earth named Horst Schultz, from soccer players to architects to authors of knitting books to inventors seemingly obsessed with developing the perfect lid for cooking appliances. But, as Matthew says, “Muscles don’t give a shit if it’s labeled for women, so you pop one of those up your booty hole, you turn it on and it shocks you into doing kegels.” (Matthew also recommends vibrating kegel balls. They’re typically marketed more toward women who, after giving birth, may deal with incontinence, a higher risk of the almost never fun pelvic organ prolapse and reduced vaginal elasticity. To accomplish his mission, he’s gotten his pelvic floor into prime shape, through various exercises as well as the use of electrical muscle stimulation machines that work via anal probe. Let’s jerk off a lot, he thought to himself back in March. There was also one 35-year-old North Hollywood man we’ll call “Matthew” who began training his body so he could shoot his cum farther than anyone else in the world. They finished fucktons of puzzles, plated meals in the spirit of Michelin-starred chefs and reinvigorated the snail mail industry through pen pal-ing.
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